innocent until proven guilty

If you’re my friend or follow me on instagram, you know all too well that I was recently chosen for jury duty. Now I know that most people try to avoid jury duty like the plague. I, on the other hand, was determined to be selected to serve. All my dreams came true and for two weeks I heard the in’s and out’s of a somewhat complicated robbery case.

When we were first presented with the charges against the defendant and heard the opening remarks from the lawyers, I knew for sure this guy was guilty. It seemed so obvious. I knew in my gut it had to be true. At this point, the judge reminded us that we hadn’t been presented with any evidence, so if we were sent back to deliberate at this point, we would have no choice but to find the defendant innocent because we had nothing that would prove otherwise.

The reality of the term “innocent until proven guilty” really hit me in this moment. I hadn’t understood the depth of that statement until we were sitting in front of a man whose fate was literally in our hands. My gut reaction didn’t mean anything. Cold, hard facts did.

As the trial went on, we heard from many witnesses and experts. The alleged victim cried on the stand and told an emotional and distressing story of being robbed at knifepoint by a man he had invited over from a dating site. His story stirred up my empathy, and made me feel even more certain that the defendant was in fact guilty.

My fellow jurors and I sat on the edge of our seats as we heard from a forensic expert who was sure to seal the deal for us. We waited and waited for that certain evidence that would prove what we had been thinking all week.

But it never came.

In the end, we had solid evidence that placed the defendant at the scene of the crime, but had nothing to prove or frankly even suggest that he actually committed this crime. We just had a sob story which may or may not have been true.

When it came time to deliberate, our decision was almost immediately unanimous: Although we all had a hunch that something sketchy went down that night, and that the defendant was very possibly guilty; we simply didn’t have the evidence to convict this man.

We found out after the fact that the defendant had currently been serving time in jail for this alleged crime. So while it’s possible that we freed a criminal that day, it’s also possible that we let an innocent man return to the life he deserves to be living. We’ll never know.

But what I do know is that we did the right thing. This man is innocent until proven guilty and in this case, he was not proven guilty.

So I found myself thinking — Do I apply this rule in my every day life? Do I greet people with a presumption of innocence?

I determined that answer was a hard no. And I determined that’s not a way I’d like to live anymore.

As a result, I’ve really been assessing my judgements towards others. Most specifically, towards the people I love the most. Isn’t there an old saying about this? About those we love the most, hurting us the most? Well in my case, the people I love the most often are the people who drive me craziest. We know how to get under each other’s skin, we know which words will totally irk the other person, and routine behaviors start to pile up into one big ball of Oh my God I can’t even deal with you anymore.

So I’ve been applying the rule of “innocent until proven guilty.”

When I feel myself judging another person, especially someone whom I care for deeply, I’ve been taking a step back and thinking to myself — treat this person as a blank slate. Greet them at zero. Instead of immediately making assumptions about someone’s behavior — “they’re clearly doing this to drive me crazy,” “they’re intentionally ignoring me,” “this other person must have a problem” — I’m treating them as simply innocent. I’m trusting they’re trying their best. I’m believing their words and their actions, and not jumping to conclusions that would falsely guilt them.

It’s a work in progress. Judgements are so much of who we are and how we operate. They help us discern between good and bad. They protect us from wasting time and energy on things that are of no importance, or worse, are harmful to us. But when it comes to relationships, I’m realizing that judgements only get in the way of active listening, meaningful conversation, and authentic connection.

I encourage you to really contemplate and apply the old adage, “Innocent until proven guilty” to your every day life. I hope you’ll find it as freeing as I have :)