the gift of presence

February is always a weird month for me. It never fails to sneak up so fast; it signals that the holidays are 1000% over, the buffer period for getting back into a routine has officially ended, and for me personally, birthday month is no more. The idea of “birthday month” used to be a big eye roll for me — you get one day, ma’am, I’m not indulging you for a whole month. But as I’m buying more and more into astrology, the cosmos, and all things “Universe” I can admit that I’ve felt the vibes of Capricorn season. For whatever reason in the month of January things seem to come a little easier for me.

So as February rolls around I mourn the loss of astrological power, and I feel the anxiety setting in as a fraction of the year is already behind us. I’m big on goal setting — not only is this VeRy Capricorn of me, but I think being born on January 1st also gives me a particular affinity with New Year’s resolutions, intention setting, and the like. Each January I create a list of goals that coincides with the numerical year — i.e. The Top 20 of 2020 (eventually I’ll have to modify this as I don’t foresee creating a Top 50 of 2050.) Looking at my list a month in, I feel great about the work I’ve done to set some goals in motion, some have literally already been accomplished, and some feel really daunting, impossible, and foolish to even be written down.

Overall, these lists are a fun and useful tool for me, but there are days when I wish my mind and my drive weren’t so laser-focused. In these cusp-y months at the start of a new year, I think many can relate to this feeling of limbo — constantly vacillating between reflective, sometimes regretful feelings about the year behind us and anticipatory, often anxious feelings about the year ahead of us.

A big thing I’ve really come to understand in the last year is the fact that basically all we have control over are our thoughts. Of course, every year my list of goals contains huge stretches of professional and personal dreams — sometimes they come to fruition, sometimes a surprising modification of a goal reveals itself, and some I continue to work towards year after year after year. But when it comes down to it, I actually don’t have legitimate, tangible control over whether or how these goals will manifest themselves. Upon remembering this, I tend to move to smaller, more incremental goals. I LOVE a good formula, and if I can figure out the exact steps on how to attain what I want, you can bet I’m perfecting the method in order to ace those stepping stones and ultimately, win big. But truthfully? We don’t even really have control over the stepping stones either. There are so many pieces and players at hand, and as much as I’d like to believe that I can manipulate my dream man into falling madly in love with me or my dream job to fall effortlessly into my lap; people have freewill and there are all sorts of energies and logistics at play that simply have nothing to do with me.

So what can we control? It’s really so simple, yet so complex, and it’s anything and everything going on between our ears.

When you break any goal, dream or desire down far enough, it will always lead back to this. At the core of anything, do you believe it’s possible? Can you imagine and experience what the epitome of happiness will look like for you? Can you do the work to get to a mental state, here and now, that elicits happiness even if you’re simply on your way, having not yet arrived?

There’s a lot of science that suggests that the quickest way to happiness comes through presencing. Our brains can be our greatest tool and our biggest weakness in this sense. We experience an estimated 60,000-80,000 thoughts per day. That number is absolutely astounding. How many of these thoughts are reserved for replaying moments that are long gone and can’t be undone? How many of these thoughts are reserved for imagining a future, whether positive or negative, that is not yet here and therefor cannot be controlled? How many of these 70,000-odd thoughts actually pertain to our current reality? What’s right in front of us? The life we are actually living?

I can say for myself, especially on the days when anxiety, and my to-do list, and the big goals I’m determined to achieve are getting the best of me, that almost none of my thinking resides in the present. The place where I’m most likely to find the most authentic source of happiness and ease. The place where my life and my actions and my physical being exist. The place I actually have control over.

So I’m working on existing in, and fully appreciating, the present. It’s all we have, they say, and I’m understanding that phrase more fully these days. Not only is it all we’re guaranteed, but it’s also all that we can control in this life. When we can master our present thoughts in the present moment, we unlock a grounded and true sense of happiness. The kind of happiness that will support and guide us as we tackle those larger goals. The kind of happiness that reminds us that if we can find joy right in front of us, as often as possible, the rest will fall into place.

A quick and dirty rendering of some 2020 goals. My personal favorite is to be a guest star on Succession lolz.