no expectations

I love a personality test. Be it something classic like horoscope (Capricorn) or Myers-Briggs (ENFJ) or something more niche like the Sorting Hat (Gryffindor — or niche-r still, the hybrid tests in which case I’m a Gryffinclaw.) Love Languages (Words of Affirmation), Enneagram (3), Sea Creature Test (Shark — and yes this is a real thing) — I’ve taken them all. Whether or not they’re based in any kind of science or reality, I always find them to be interesting and, if nothing else, a helpful and fun tool for personal understanding and connecting more effectively with others.

A few months ago my bestie introduced me to yet another personality test: “The Four Tendencies.” This quiz separates you into four major categories — Upholder, Questioner, Obliger, or Rebel. Your label is ultimately based on a series of questions that revolve around the theme: “How do I respond to expectations?” This relates to both outer and inner expectations — those set by the world around us and those we give ourselves. No surprise that this Capricorn/ENFJ/3 is an Upholder. According to the test this means, “I do what others expect of me — and what I expect from myself.” I readily respond to both outer and inner expectations.

I have another friend who told me recently that she’s working on really being impeccable with her word. She’s catching herself in hyperbolic statements like “I’m starving,” “I hate you,” or my personal favorite, “I’m dead.” While these sentiments are generally understood to mean, “Let’s get lunch ASAP,” “I love you but also you’re an idiot,” and “That’s hysterically unbelievable” — the words we use have weight and it’s worth being in the practice of really saying what we mean, as often as possible (clearly, I'm not literally deceased.)

These things have all been floating around in my mind as I’ve found myself in many conversations as of late that seem to land in this general idea of: “I have no expectations.” Or better yet, “You should live without expectations.”

If we’re trying to live in a world where we say what we mean, in my opinion, the statement “I have no expectations” is not only just plain untrue but frankly really sad.

I think we can get caught up in the sexiness of this notion of living without expectations — this sounds like living life on the edge, not being tied down to anything, being easy and open to whatever. But in reality, I think expectations make up everything about who we are and how we operate in the world. To have expectations is to have boundaries. Standards. Hopes and desires. An outcome worth striving towards. To say, “I have no expectations” to me says that you just haven’t thought hard enough about what you want. You haven’t defined life for yourself. Or perhaps you’re just too afraid to share what your expectations are, for fear that they won’t line up with someone else’s.

I mean think about it — if we really woke up every day and operated from a place of zero expectations, would anything get done? And would we be treated with any kind of value or respect? I expect myself to get out of bed in the morning. I expect myself to stick to a routine that involves creativity, checking things off the to-do list, exercising, going to work. I expect the people in my life to treat me with kindness, and I expect myself to give that in return. I expect that when I put in hard work and dedication that it won’t go unnoticed. I expect that in living a life of gratitude and grace, I’ll experience more abundance and compassion in my day to day. I expect humans to be generally good — I really do believe that most people are trying their best with whatever tools they have at their disposal. Without expectations we have nothing to hold ourselves and others accountable to, and nothing worth living for.

Now, I wasn’t born yesterday. Of course I know that things don’t always turn out the way we expect. One of my brother’s favorite sayings is, “I’m expecting the best; preparing for the worst.” It can sound a little dark but I think it’s actually a really healthy way to live. To stay grounded in the reality that we don’t always have complete control over our lives, while also actively expecting to ABSOLUTELY have complete control over our lives! How I see it, most often, what we expect in this life is what we experience in this life. To live with no expectations therefor means we anticipate nothing. Want for nothing. Need nothing from anyone else. And that to me sounds like a life that’s just happening to us, not one that’s being deliberately lived.

I think it’s easy and safe and sounds good on paper to “live without expectations.” I’d offer that you dig a little deeper next time you catch yourself in this sentiment. Whether you’re rebelling against expectations or upholding them like me, they exist. And without them, I think we’d lose track of who we are and what we really want.

This Upholder can definitely be guilty of over-thinking, over-analyzing, pre-planning, and talking herself out of something before it’s even begun. But if the alternative is to operate in such a way where I have nothing to live for, or work towards; nothing to hold others to, or deeply lust after — nothing to expect in this life? I’ll take the logistical analysis any day.

Curious about how you respond to both inner and outer expectations? Take "The Four Tendencies” quiz here and be sure to share your results with me! xx

Which one are you? Take the quiz above to find out!