a dose of reality

Hello again :)

Over the past few months I've started and stopped several posts. This one flowed right out of me, so I felt compelled to share. I'm recently back from West Virginia, where I was working on a new musical called Storming Heaven. It was an altogether wonderful experience and saying goodbye to a beautiful story, and character, and group of people has proven to be really difficult.

I haven’t been feeling myself this week. The post-show depression always hits me incredibly hard. I’ve cried every day this week, and I feel like I’m moving through space without several limbs. In today's world where we're constantly sharing the highlight reel, I'd like to do everyone (mostly myself) a favor and share some of my more raw, honest reality.

I had the day off on Monday and I took most of it to just be alone with my thoughts. The past week has been difficult and confusing for a myriad of reasons (a friend shared with me that things are “really fucked up” in astrology right now so maybe my everything is in retrograde.) Transitional times are always really triggering for me — I’ve gotten better at managing it as I’ve gotten older because I can brace myself and know what to expect but it doesn’t make these gray, in-between days any easier.

When a show ends I feel like I’m mourning the death of this version of myself that will never be again. A life in the theatre is such a beautiful and intense thing and it can be hard to explain these deep, visceral feelings to anyone who hasn’t lived it. Of course at the core I was still me for the past five weeks, but going on this highly unique journey in this contained space with a very special group of humans brings out a secret recipe. This special flavor of myself that exists in that space and then never again.

Before I left for this contract I did a big purge of my bedroom. I threw out and donated so many things to make space for my sublet and to make packing a little easier for me. Returning from a contract, I’m realizing, provides the opportunity to do a bit of a mental and emotional purge. Having some really difficult conversations and doing some deep soul searching has allowed me to make space to hear my inner voice and to make negotiating this transitional time a little easier for me.

As I’ve spent the week struggling to feel and hear and understand myself, I’ve been turning to things that I know are inherently mine. My dearest friends who know me and all my deepest desires and wildest idiosyncrasies have had the pleasure of hearing me talk in circles for days. I thank them for their open ears and hearts, and their guiding and encouraging words. I’ve turned to music, and singing — hearing my voice and expressing myself in this way will always be healing and so authentically me. I’ve been going for runs. On Monday I set out to clear my mind and blow off some steam. It was a hot, humid day and I felt like I was moving through molasses. I begrudgingly checked my time when I got home to find that my fastest mile was 6:33 when I generally run about 9:00 miles. I was shocked that my body was moving this way. Guess I had more steam to blow off than I thought.

I’ve turned to writing — something I love so very much and have gotten away from recently. I’ve returned to a more regular journaling practice, and even writing these words now are bringing me a sense of ease. But what has re-grounded me the most is returning to old writings. Pieces and musings and collections from times I felt so clear on who I am.

This past year I attended lululemon’s Purpose + Practice retreat. A weekend stay-cation in the heart of New York City where we did a shit ton of yoga and a series of daily exercises that ultimately led us to a clearer sense of why we’re on this earth and who we’re here to be. I completely understand how woo-woo that sounds, but in a matter of days I was able to really identify what exactly it is that I have to offer and who I know I am at my core beyond superficial labels like “I’m an Actor,” “I’m a Catholic,” or “I’m a Vegan.” I was able to find my journal from that retreat and I reread it probably 10 times over. It was like I was meeting myself all over again. Some big themes had emerged for me over that weekend, like reintroducing vulnerability into my reality, and embracing the larger idea of using the gift of my voice in every aspect of my life. Tucked in the back pocket of the journal was a stack of small flash cards. We did an exercise where we considered the questions, “Who have you always been?” “What are your natural talents and gifts?” and “Who are you for other people?” Rereading these cards brought me such comfort and I’d like to share them with you now:

Use My Voice For Good

Intuition And Empathy

Full Of Gratitude And Grace

Natural Leader

Creative Being And Avid Storyteller

Challenger And Cheerleader

Inspiration To Others

Feel Deeply

Calming Presence

Listener And Sharer

I normally like to finish these out with some sort of moral, or musing, or general conclusion I’ve reached. In this case, I’m very much still figuring it out. But I wanted to share this list and these things that I know to be so deeply, truly me. I’d like to be held accountable to them. Some words that are jumping out at me that I want to embrace and celebrate are intuition, sharer, challenger, and one who feels deeply. When I get in these intensely emotional states I can be quick to deflect, and defend. What happens if instead I welcome and honor the gift of being able to freely and willingly pour my heart so fully into the people and circumstances around me?

It’s a blessing and a curse when so much of who you are is wrapped up in what you do. I’ve never been one to be half-in, especially when it comes to my career. I wouldn’t want it any other way, but the trade-off is a constant need to do this deep inner work of remembering who I am and what I want. And maybe that’s not so unique to actors — maybe transition brings us all the difficult gift of having to really face ourselves.

In the aftermath of letting go of a beautiful experience, I will always be met with deep feelings of emptiness and longing. But as the gray days start to get a little brighter, I know this void can only be filled with my own voice, and truth, and sense of self.

Use My Voice For Good, Intuition And Empathy, Full Of Gratitude And Grace, Natural Leader, Creative Being And Avid Storyteller, Challenger And Cheerleader, Inspiration To Others, Feel Deeply, Calming Presence, Listener And Sharer