the should's and should not's
“I should meet my friend for coffee.”
“I really should work out today.”
“I should be married by 30.”
These are just a few “should” statements I’ve heard myself utter in the last week.
I found myself in a conversation with a dear friend recently who was sharing with me some of the pressures he feels in his adult relationships and responsibilities. He should settle down with a partner. He should value job security. He should be a more responsive friend. He said he was getting hung up on this word, “Should.”
That very night, I was in the living room solving the problems of the world with my roomies (who also happen to be my best friends — um, how lucky am I?) Living room time for us looks like equal parts Netflix-binging and deep, hours-long life talk.
My roommate Meryn shared with us that probably her biggest takeaway from her time in therapy was her relationship with this word, “Should.” Her therapist encouraged her to catch herself when using that word — to use my example above, “I should work out today” really becomes an entirely different statement when you say, “I want to work out today.”
This is the power of language, people. It’s seemingly so small and to the average ear, these sentences are identical. But think about it. “I want to work out today” is an intentional, empowered choice. It’s something you’re doing for you and you alone. It’s something you desire. It’s a decision you’ve made for yourself and your life. “I should work out today” is about something else entirely. It places it outside of yourself — it says, I should maintain a certain standard, or routine, or lifestyle that coincides with implied social norms.
I’ll admit, that sounds really extreme for a simple word swap. But is it?
What pressures and anxieties are we perpetuating for ourselves simply through our language? The words we use communicate our values to ourselves and others. By constantly saying that you “should” do, say, or feel something, you’re giving power to external forces, societal pressures, and other people’s expectations.
Now, I get it. I’m a perfectionist and people-pleaser at heart, so my default setting is 100% “should” and “should not.” While I genuinely enjoy offering myself up to the people and situations around me; I’m noticing that there’s a difference between being of service because I willingly choose and desire to be, and because I feel like I “should” or “have” to in order to remain in good graces.
So I’ve been catching myself this week. In moments where I’m about to make a “should” statement, I evaluate. Is my language just sloppy? Or am I about to embark on a task that I don’t really want to do? If it’s the former, that calls for a quick language reframe. If it’s the latter, that can be a little more tricky.
If I find that I’m forcing myself to do something solely because of external factors, (i.e. my friend will be upset if I don’t, I’ll look bad, what would my parents think?) I decide for myself if it’s actually, genuinely something that I want to do and plan accordingly. Sometimes though, things are out of our control. Of course I wish I could apply this rule Monday-Friday and say, “I genuinely don’t want to go to work so I’m not going.” But there is a way around this. This is where a language and mental reframe is needed. On those especially exhausting days when I’m dreading going to work, I’ve been reminding myself that it isn’t something to resent — instead, it’s the place that allows me to live the life I want to be living. It supports my acting career. It’s brought me some of my best friendships. So instead of, “I have to go to work because I should make money,” I’ve been thinking more along the lines of, “I get to support my dream life today and commune with people I love.”
I know how mushy that sounds. But I’ve been finding that it really works. It gives me my power back — it allows me to live my life with intention and purpose, and not feel like I’m helplessly at the whim of external “expectations.”
See if you can catch yourself in pesky “should” statements this week. Or don’t. I won’t tell you what you should do ;)
Me with my roomies/besties Meryn and Trey :)