you're not what you do

There’s a saying I heard once about actors. There are three types:

The actor who’s unemployed (i.e. not doing 8 shows a week and thus broke, unfulfilled, etc.) and therefor miserable.

The actor who’s employed (i.e. doing 8 shows a week and thus bored, exhausted, etc.) and therefor miserable.

And the actor who has an upcoming contract and is therefor happy.

The past few weeks, I've found myself in that sweet spot.

Since the end of January, I’ve known about an upcoming show. I’ve been making preparations accordingly — rearranging my schedule to accommodate rehearsals, making sure I’m exercising a little more regularly, looking into tickets for my parents. But best of all, I’ve been able to gleefully navigate that dreaded question that comes up all the time for artists:

“So, what are you working on?”

This statement can also present itself in sneakier forms. “So, what’s next for you?” “Any big updates?” Or frankly even a simple, “So, what’s new?” is oft loaded with curiosity about whether or not you’ve got a gig.

I loathe it. When I’m catching up with friends or family, I can feel my stomach churning as people go around the table, sharing updates from their lives. If I don’t have an upcoming project, I feel less-than. I feel that my loved ones are worried about me. I fear I won’t have anything to contribute to the conversation, because I don’t have any real updates to share. “Oh, same old same old.” “Ya know, living the dream.” “Nothing much to report here!”

But not this week! I’ve been on Cloud Nine — reveling in that glorious sweet spot as an actor with a contract in hand. When asked, “What’s new?” I felt validated and confident to be able to share that I’m beginning rehearsals for my first off-Broadway show. I feel like I have something to show for the hard work I put in. I feel like my life is relevant.

Recently in church, our priest was talking about how, though it’s becoming less popular, it’s very human to label ourselves. We naturally yearn to be in tribes, to be understood, to have an identity. At the time, I had recently returned to New York City after a brief contract and I was experiencing major post-show depression. After hearing the priest’s words, I realized that a big way I label myself is “Working” or “Non-Working” Actor. So much of how I behave, socialize, communicate and generally function is wrapped up into those labels.

I noticed this as I approached the start of rehearsals. I felt proud and at ease when people asked that simple yet oh-so-not question of, “So, what’s new?”

Now, of course I get to feel pride and joy at an upcoming contract. I’m an actor, after all! So when I’m given an opportunity to do what I’m meant to do, I get to revel in that, and deeply appreciate that.

But do I need to be defined by it?

If I’m exclusively labeling myself as a Working or Non-Working Actor, my life becomes a complete dichotomy. It’s amazing how tasks, relationships, and life in general take on a darker tone when I’m living out my Non-Working Actor life. But suddenly, those exact things become much easier and sunnier when I’m identifying as a Working Actor.

This became most clear to me as I held conversations leading up to this new rehearsal process. I realized just how defined I was by this fact — when people asked how I was doing, without a doubt I was able to respond that I was doing well because, “I’m about to start rehearsals for a new show!” I found that my “happiness” was very much wrapped up in whether or not I had an upcoming project.

And having a project absolutely makes me happy! That can still be true. But I found I didn’t like that my overall wellbeing and decided worth were bound to one simple facet of my life.

While I boldly and proudly call myself an actor, I am not defined by a job.

So I’ve been more thoughtful in my conversations. When people ask how I’m doing, I try to think about where I’m at in that given moment — not skipping ahead to being great because I’m in rehearsals. When people ask what’s new, I’m trying to reflect on my whole being (we are complex people, after all!) and share with them a new barre teacher I love, a great podcast I listened to, a friendship that means a lot to me, a new recipe I tried. And then the fact that I’m in rehearsals is just icing on the cake of a life that already has happiness and meaning all on its own.

I know getting in this practice now will prepare me to better field these questions when I’m not actively working on a show.

So, what am I working on?

I’m working on my handstand. I’m working on not eating late. I’m working on putting myself out there. I’m working on saving money. I’m working on a daily prayer/meditation/visualization practice. I’m working on being a better communicator. I’m working on this blog! I’m working on my voice. I’m working on making space. I’m working on myself.

This past Sunday, I started rehearsals for Calamity Jane with Musicals Tonight!