the guilty speak
So, the inevitable happened.
I had a big week — I was in callbacks for a dream show, I sang in a concert, had a few social obligations, my parents were in town (!!!), we Marched for our Lives, and we closed Calamity Jane.
So naturally, my body totally shut down and homegirl has been sick as a dog the past few days.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve found that I’ve gotten a pretty good handle on managing stress, anxiety, nerves and the like from a psychological standpoint, but they always manifest physically.
The state of my bedroom at the moment is exhibit A.
And the literal whooping cough I’ve developed would be exhibit B.
As my health became my first priority, other obligations had to take a backseat. As I said, my bedroom looks like a war zone, and it’s been top of my to-do list. But when I had essentially a full 24 hours to be in bed yesterday, that became my only obligation. I have friends I’d love to see, but when I know that looks like a late night at a noisy bar, I have to honor myself and my body first. I know those friends will be there next week when I’m back to 100%. I meant to post a new blog last Thursday. It didn’t happen. My daily journaling practice went on hiatus for four days straight (the first time I’ve ever skipped a day, let alone several, in about a year and a half.) I asked for time off at work. I’ve forgotten what it means to go to the gym. And I haven’t allowed myself to even look at the auditions I’m missing, because I’m not healthy enough to even contemplate going. Basically, I’ve completely let myself go and given myself permission to focus solely on resting up and getting healthy.
And the best thing I’ve done for myself? I’ve allowed myself not to feel guilty about any of this.
Probably the best example is my journaling practice. So many times, I’ve found myself trying to squeeze it in on a hectic day, or when I’m completely exhausted. I’ll literally find myself scribbling, “Why am I doing this right now? What would happen if I just skipped a day? Who am I doing this for? Why do I feel so obligated?” That practice is completely and totally on me, and is meant only for me. There are days when my time will be better served elsewhere, and it’s okay if it gets skipped! What is this perceived guilt for not following through on a routine that I myself have set up solely for myself?
The other big one is auditions. My show is over — this is the time I need to be at every audition, on my A-game and ready to book whatever’s next. I’ve heard the sentiment that an actor’s only job is to audition. Sometimes I feel like an actor’s only job is to feel guilty about missed auditions. But with time, I’ve learned that it really is a quality over quantity thing. I’d rather go to less auditions if it means I’m going to nail the ones I do attend, than spread myself thin trying to make it to everything. And in this case, taking some time off to prioritize my health is only going to make for better auditions in the long run.
Maybe it’s a Midwest thing, maybe it’s a Catholic thing, maybe it’s just kind of a human thing. But guilt is real and can really plague us. When we succumb to guilt, our actions come from a place of feeling obligated, of judging ourselves, of feeling desperate and less-than. When I get in this place, I always find myself wondering who I’m feeling guilty for. My friends? My Parents? God? Regardless of who it is, it’s never for myself. So especially in a situation where I’m sick and already feeling awful, why should I spend any time making myself feel worse over feelings of guilt that are only about some outside source? This doesn’t benefit me in any way whatsoever.
I’m not sure what the switch was here. Maybe I’m just feeling so miserable that I don’t have the capacity for guilt. But I’m not mad at it. I hope to get to a place where I don’t need to be bed-ridden in order to absolve myself of guilt. I’d like my actions to always come from a place of choosing my health, my happiness, my time, and my well-being; not from obligation, desperation, and guilt.
In other news, prednisone is a miracle drug. Would recommend 10/10.
A highlight in my very full week was closing out Calamity Jane with this amazing group of humans :)