miss independent

A few years back, I was in a perfectly normal relationship with an all around good guy. On paper, it was pretty ideal. But it freaked me the fuck out.

A few dates in, we had a pretty perfect night. We took a long romantic stroll, we had an excellent meal, we shared our first kiss. It was great. The relationship was progressing at a normal pace, I was managing to fit it into my busy life, and I liked the guy.

As the night was wrapping up, blissed out on romance and feeling extra confident, this gentleman asked with an air of assumption if he could see me again the following day.

I began to panic. “But, you’re seeing me right now???” I thought to myself. I had already fully planned out my day for myself — I was taking yoga, I had some auditions to go to, I was seeing friends. But things were now getting serious with this guy! Was this supposed to be my main priority? Did I need to cancel my day that I had already planned out to accommodate this guy who I definitely liked, but wasn’t sure I wanted to rearrange my life for?

Stomach sinking, I smiled and told him that I’d have to look at my schedule when I got home and I’d get back to him.

On my commute home, I was a mess of emotions. I was riding the high of an excellent date and a budding romance, while also experiencing this smothering sensation. Genuine panic and dread that I owed this guy something. That I had to give up something of myself in order to make something work with him.

I got home, proceeded to put on my comfiest sweatpants, curled up into a ball on the couch, and had a complete and total meltdown over a seemingly innocent interaction.

My roommates assumed the date went terribly. Between sobs, I described how perfect the night was. They were perplexed. One literally said to me, “You’re behaving as though the guy hit you.” I’ll admit, the reaction was a bit melodramatic. But the panic I was experiencing was so real.

Now, I could write a dozen blog posts on the societal pressures for women to accommodate men’s feelings (I ended up rearranging my schedule so I could meet him for a quick coffee before taking a later yoga class.) There were many factors at play here that induced my panic. But I know at the root of it was the tiniest threat to the loss of my independence.

This memory is at the forefront of my mind as ya girl is back in the dating scene (get at me boys 💁🏻) I haven’t always been an independent woman. Quite the contrary — I grew up a serial monogamist, jumping from relationship to relationship, with a desperate need to be liked. I’ve always been a natural leader and a strong personality, but when it came to guys, I happily and willingly took a back seat and let them drive.

When I took about two years off from any serious relationship, everything changed. I traveled. I made new friends outside of the context of "belonging" to anyone. I allowed people to value me for my unique thoughts. I was no longer afraid to argue my opinions, especially with men. I let myself be impulsive. I listened to my body. I fell in love with yoga. I fell in love with myself.

So when I met the guy who was great on paper and wanted to see me every day, the girl who had just spent two years reclaiming her independence wanted to run as far as she could in the opposite direction.

I can’t help but feel those small twinges again as I put myself out there now. And I can’t help but wonder, how the hell do people do this? Is it possible to live a fully independent life, yet share it with a partner? Or does entering into a relationship inherently mean that you give some things up? When you meet the right person, do you naturally get to a place where you feel content in relinquishing some of the individual to serve the whole? Or is that a conscious choice you have to make (or not make!)

A friend once described to me that his ideal relationship would look like two trains running parallel to one another — not like two trains trying to ride the same track. This image has really stayed with me. It didn’t make sense to me at the time, but now it’s all I crave. Can I charge full steam ahead on my own train while happily riding beside another? Here’s hoping.

feeling like my strong, independent self -- 📸: Tay Cooley/Cooleyography