i am not fine

It happens several times a day. Dozens of times a week.

“Hey! How are you doing?”

“Oh, I’m fine!”

This kind, colloquial, and altogether meaningless interaction.

I began noticing this a few years ago when I jumped headfirst into a journey with two of my dear friends, Keith and John, and embarked on twelve weeks with Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way. [Side bar — I couldn’t recommend this book more highly. If you’ve been thinking about it, the wait is over! Grab a few friends and just dive in.] One of my biggest takeaways from the experience is how to consciously live more authentically. And how to not feel silly, or selfish, or guilty for striving to live in this way. A big part of living authentically is being really honest with your inner self, and being really impeccable with your language.

And perhaps the easiest way to catch yourself in bad habits of inauthenticity is in these simple, daily greetings.

“Hey! How are you doing?”

Let’s just be honest with ourselves — in this context, “Fine” is a non-word. What does that even mean? You’ve heard the saying, Good is the enemy of Great. Well I think Fine is the enemy of Authenticity.

Because at any given moment, I think we’re always living somewhere significantly better than, or worse than, “Fine.”

Just like the word “Interesting,” I’m constantly striving to remove the word “Fine” from my vocabulary. They lack intention, and are both cop-outs for what we really think and feel. (Easier said than done! Zero in on how many times a day you describe or respond to something as Interesting. And then take a moment to think about what you’re really trying to say.)

Now, let’s flip the coin for a moment. I also feel that the question of How are you doing can be equally inauthentic. It’s so easily in our vernacular, part of our jargon. It gets roped into the sentiment of “Hi,” so much so that I believe we’re rarely actually asking the question. How can we be mindful when greeting another human being? When we ask How are you, can we recognize that we’re really saying, “What is it like to be you in this moment?” “How are you experiencing the world?” “Are your needs being met?”

When someone genuinely asks us these questions, it’s easier to answer with authenticity, instead of the knee-jerk habit of, “I’m fine!” I read a great post this week that revolved around the idea of one’s needs being met, and the words we use to express those feelings.

To simplify, our feelings and thus language can be categorized into two columns — when our basic needs are met, and when they are not. Here is a list of some words from both categories. Take a moment with each and see if any apply:

Comfortable

Uneasy

Energized

Exhausted

Curious

Withdrawn

Enthusiastic

Disappointed

Peaceful

Anxious

Connected

Agitated

Grateful

Annoyed

Inspired

Scared

Content

Note that “Fine” didn’t make the cut.

Listen for it this week. Make the conscious choice to be really authentic on both ends of these conversations. Genuinely ask what it’s like to be in your loved one’s shoes. And be honest with yourself and those around you if your needs are being met, and how that makes you feel.

So, what is it like to be me this week?

I’m anxious. And a little scared. But feeling very connected, curious, and altogether grateful :)

#tbt to the beginning of our Artist's Way journey, and to when I ate eggs lolz