top of page

for the boys

It’s nothing new. I feel like I’m in these conversations and experiences constantly. It’s literally something we’ve been putting up with since the dawn of time. And it’s recently relevant in the wake of the women’s march, #metoo, Time’s Up, and so many more very public expressions of outrage.

It’s the patriarchy, folks. If you haven’t noticed, it’s alive and well.

I’ve found myself in a couple conversations and situations in the past week that put some of these issues at the forefront of my mind. I think sometimes we believe that women’s issues are these high-level things—abortion, sexual assault, pay equality, and the like. And of course those are there. But I think these things stem from much smaller issues. The things women deal with day to day that have become so routined. The things we’ve been taught, inadvertently or directly, that we’re going to have to deal with and come to expect. The things that men (even the ones we love who are doing the good work) have likewise been taught, inadvertently or directly, that they are entitled to, deserve, and can come to expect.

A friend shared with me that a man in her life was genuinely shocked to learn that he had some deep-seated expectations of how women should interact with him. Something as seemingly innocent as a “Good morning, Miss” was something for which he realized he expected an answer. Now great—you might be the kindest man with the most genuine of intentions. But if it’s early in the morning, and I’m alone on the street with you, and you’re a legitimate STRANGER—I’m not going to respond to you! And I absolutely do not OWE you that in any way. If anything, I suggest you check your privilege and assess the bigger picture. What feels like a simple hello to you feels like one of many cat calls I’ll receive on my three block walk to the subway. It’s all about perspective. I appreciate your kindness—save it for a woman you already know, or a more appropriate setting.

This reminded me of a conversation I never had that I play out in the shower incessantly. Earlier this year, I was running late to an audition in a building that requires a security guard to allow access to people who do not work there. The process is very simple and it’s something I’ve been doing a long time—you stroll through the revolving door, flash your Equity Card, and you’re granted access through the turnstile. On this particular morning, I was in a major rush and had two sets of elevators to conquer before hopefully arriving right on time to check in for my audition. My card was out of my wallet and in hand over a block away from the building’s entrance. I breezed through the revolving doors, revealed the card that would grant me access while giving a quick nod to the security guard, and fully expected to fly right through the turnstile. I nearly toppled over said turnstile, as it was fully locked in place. I glared back at the security guard thinking, You saw my card! You have one job! He glared back. Slowly, seething, he taunted: “All you had to do is say good morning.”

Now, in the version I play out in the shower, I march right up to his desk and say something along the lines of, “How fucking dare you.” “How many men have you asked to wish you a good morning?” “I don’t owe you anything—do your fucking job.”

In reality, I now had 30 less seconds to get up two sets of elevators, so I just gave him an apathetic, “Wow, okay” and finally made my way through the turnstile. I still see him all the time at auditions. I never wish him a good morning.

Now, I don’t know this man’s life. Maybe he was having a terrible morning. Maybe it’s really lonely behind that desk all day. Maybe he honestly just needed someone to wish him a good morning. But I guarantee you that he would never have spoken to one of the businessmen in the building that way. He would never expect and then demand that another man tell him good morning. And he’d certainly never pull a ridiculous power move and deny access to another man for a missed morning greeting.

Perhaps the worst part? In the midst of my outrage at this encounter, I felt equally guilty for not saying good morning. I actually took the time to think, Was I wrong in this situation? Am I a total bitch? Did I just ruin that poor man’s day?

These are the things that are etched in our bones. The tiny reflex that says, “Do I have to put out now?” when a guy buys me drinks. That says, “Maybe my outfit isn’t that cute after all…” when I’m not catcalled on the way to the subway. That says, “Just smile and laugh”— because it’s better that I feel uncomfortable than insult a man’s ego.

I have to believe I’m getting better at checking these reflexes. I have to believe we’re all getting better.

And I think we need to remind ourselves that the wonderful men in our lives (yes, they exist!) are victims of the patriarchy just as much as we are, gals. They’ve been brought up in this system, too. I know many men who have lived their entire lives relatively unchecked until now. I can’t imagine what that must feel like—to suddenly be twenty, thirty, forty years old and suddenly discover that these small behaviors that have always been allowed are no longer okay. Were never really okay.

Many men are now genuinely afraid in today’s climate which is admittedly kind of fierce, but it’s also not really the point. FYI, guys: Yes, we still want to talk to you. Yes, we still want to have sex with you. Yes, we even sometimes want you to take control a little bit. But you have to honor that it’s our choice. Let us feel empowered in that. It’s sexy.

I was at a bar with some close guy friends a few weeks ago, and they asked me what they feared would be a silly question: “Is it even okay anymore to approach a woman at a bar? What’s an acceptable thing to say?” First of all, I applaud my amazing male friends for having these questions, and for engaging their female friends to seek answers. Dialogue in your own communities, I think, is the easiest and surest way to effect change. I thought for a moment about their questions. What I shared with them was actually pretty solid advice. I told them yes, of course you can still approach women you think you might be interested in—I certainly intend to continue to approach men I think I might be interested in! And I said that as long as you aren’t being a total douchebag or an utter cliche, that it actually doesn’t really matter what you say. What matters more is that you pick up on a woman’s cues and fast—if she doesn’t want to talk to you, she will let you know, and then it’s time to bow out gracefully. I’ll always commend a guy for giving it a shot, but if you don’t back off when I say no thanks (which doesn’t have to explicitly include the words, “No Thanks” by the way) you’re officially a part of the problem.

It’s not rocket science. And yet, could there be anything more impossible than expecting creatures of habit to behave differently than history would have them behave?

I think the most important thing we can do is navigate this shit together. The patriarchy can’t be checked without powerful women at the forefront. Women’s rights will never be fully realized until the men we love are standing firmly by our sides. And this great teamwork begins with us, today.

Alison McCartan with her best girlfriends in New York City!

pictured here with some of the fiercest women I know

Single Post: Blog_Single_Post_Widget
bottom of page