eight

“On a scale where one is low and ten is high, we want to live as close to ten as possible. We want to give and get the best in our relationships. Whether it is a friendship, love affair or business relationship, we must not allow mediocrity to be the standard. When we have no standards our lives become so crowded with people, demands and unrealized expectations that we run the risk of losing ourselves. An “eight” relationship is one where there is mutual support and respect. We can be who we are and know we are accepted on that basis. There are common goals; even when we disagree on method, we can support the intent. In an “eight” relationship we give for the joy of giving. We share for mutual growth. We give and get complete honesty. We take what we need and do not fail to give back. An “eight” relationship is one that we do not work on. It is one we work with and for, striving for better as a mutual benefit. “One” means you don’t have it. “Six” is just making it. An “eight” means you are definitely on the way to the top. There is no reason I must settle for less.”

A friend (and by friend I mean a Barry’s instructor whom I stalk) posted this quote on Instagram this past week. I have no idea what it’s from, but when I read it, it kind of took my breath away. I immediately took a screenshot and sent it out to my besties. It just really made sense to me.

We must not allow mediocrity to be the standard. Each time I read the above passage, a new line jumps out at me. As I’m sitting down to write my reflections now, this is the sentence that sums it all up for me. We must not allow mediocrity to be the standard.

In the last few years, I’ve heard the word “boundaries” thrown around right and left. It’s a very lululemon-y term (there’s an excellent video on boundaries with Brene Brown that I highly recommend you Google after finishing this post) but I think it’s popping up in all sorts of self-help and self-development books because I hear a lot of my friends talking about the boundaries they’re setting up for themselves. I’ve even heard it as a term of praise for someone who’s really got her shit together — “Oh, she’s a very boundaried person.”

I like that the writer of this passage takes it a step further and calls them “standards.” Setting a boundary is a bold action. Setting a standard gives it value.

I think a lot of us talk the talk when it comes to boundaries, but maybe haven’t put the value of a set standard on in order to really see it through.

When we have no standards our lives become so crowded with people, demands and unrealized expectations that we run the risk of losing ourselves. This really resonates. If we’re adhering to the writer’s one to ten model, I think a life with no standards looks like an overdose of level three or four relationships and undertakings. The goal is a beautifully curated life with an intentional pool of level eight and above relationships and undertakings.

Something I learned a few years ago that I’m slowly getting better at is saying no for a powerful yes. If we say yes to anything and everything, not only do we lose ourselves in a life that constantly sits at about a level three or four, but it also diminishes the value of what our “yes” really means. I’m certainly a culprit of filling up my weekly calendar, but I generally enjoy functioning that way. What I’m trying to be better at is filling up my schedule with intention. It’s amazing how different an intentionally full week feels than a week that’s just simply busy. When my days are filled with intention and powerful “yes”-s, I feel energized and fulfilled. When I’m just refusing to, or too afraid to, say no; I’m lethargic and resentful. When I’m giving level eight energy to things that don’t matter, or aren’t mutually beneficial (or worst of all, both), I’m giving away my power and ultimately, my happiness.

As the passage so beautifully illustrates, all of this becomes most clear not just in how we live our lives, but with whom.

It hurts my heart when I see so many of my girlfriends in particular in relationships where they’re operating at an eight or above, and their partner is at a five at best. These women are pulling all the weight — doing the emotional labor, giving and feeding and nurturing, and putting in so much work to keep the relationship alive. And they’re succeeding — the men stick around and the relationship stays afloat. But if you’re at an eight and he’s at a three, that doesn’t even average out to just barely making it as a whole.

And the hard truth is, we need to take some responsibility for that, gals. If we keep investing level eight, nine, or even ten energy in people but only expect under five in return, we’re never going to experience that mutual support and respect. We’re never going to give simply for the joy of giving. And the men in our lives are never going to rise to the occasion if we keep accepting them at a five or below.

We want to live as close to ten as possible. A girlfriend of mine recently put it very aptly and succinctly. If we’re giving the men in our lives absolutely everything they could ever ask for, but aren’t expecting commitment from them in return; why would they ever commit?

And of course this shows up across the board in all types of relationships. I think it’s important that we take a good, hard look at who we’re invested in and where we’re spending our time. Do things feel uneven and mismatched? Are we giving more than we’re getting? Are we afraid to take what we need? 

An “eight” relationship is one that we do not work on. It is one we work with and for. I hear conflicting messages when it comes to working on relationships. I feel like I hear “Relationships take a lot of work” just as often as “True love shouldn’t be that hard.” When we’re working with and for an equal partnership, it takes the sweat and toil out of the “work” aspect. It highlights the alliance, and makes the mutual journey towards that coveted ten something that feels joyful and effortless.

I’ve started making mental note of the places and relationships where the numbers feel off. It helps to prioritize what’s really important — if it’s something I can’t or don’t want to give up, something needs to change to level the playing field. And if it feels like it’s consistently below a six, it’s probably worth abandoning altogether.

“One” means you don’t have it. “Six” is just making it. An “eight” means you are definitely on the way to the top. 

There is no reason I must settle for less.

 thank you sexy Barry's instructor for inspiring me with this mystery quote